Last Days

It was my final routine start to a week day morning. The last alarm ring from my blackberry at 6:10 am. The last routine thump on the snooze button. The last sleepy eyed roll out of bed at 6:30am, willing myself to think of something to praise God for. This is a habit I have cultivated because someone once said "Your first thoughts of the day will be the dominant thought of your day and is likely to dictate rest of your day". I stumble, bleary eyed to the bathroom to splash my face with cold water and brush up. I feel awake. I take my time putting the kettle on to boil and settle into the comforts of my couch and cushions. I didn't feel like reading. So I closed my eyes to just meditate on this theme of thankfulness. I thank Him for His goodness and provision in my life. I bring before Him my friend's grief and the funeral service I can't attend today because I am expected at a farewell lunch. It is comforting to know that He can lend His strength to her when I feel short of being able to. I talk to Him. He talks to me. I move on from the serious stuff to the fun stuff. I sip on my morning coffee... this is when I always imagine I am having a coffee with Him, chatting away... simply catching up. He is asking me "Hey, how've you been, Steph?" and i am asking "How are you feeling, Lord?"

I always leave home a bit later than intended so the rest of the morning is a blur or haphazard personal grooming. It is casual Friday so I take a bit longer to decide on what to wear. I zip off in my car to the cheeriness of Luke and Lucy on the Morning Wakeup.

I arrive at work at 8:20 am and finally get to see my team mates. I give out my gifts and cards - heartfelt words enveloped in them. Words that never seem to get said often enough or at all during those months and years of routine. "So how are you feeling?" one of them ask looking intently into my eyes. I can't answer her. There is a lump in my heart. I feel a wave of emotion. It takes 5 seconds for me to realise what's happening and for me to softly choke out the words "Pretty sad, actually." She looks a bit surprised. I think she expected me to answer "Excited!" She responds with "It's hard, isn't it?" I nod.

I beaver away dictating file memos on where my matters are at. I instruct my assistant to close some files. I chase debtors. I try to iron out a dispute so my team leader would not have to deal with the mess. It can't be settled today - the mess would have to be dealt with another time. That's the nature of what we do - to clean the mess by reaching a resolution, as cheaply as possible. I am fed chocolate. I dictate some letters. I answer some phone calls. I try to persuade a client to settle now and avoid the costs of litigation. I chat nonchalantly with colleagues who walk past with questions about my plans. I read some emails from clients - their expressions of gratitude overwhelm me despite their failure to acknowledge how difficult a transaction was during the transaction! I realise I too, fall short of expressing gratitude to others. I make a mental note to pause, and express gratitude more frequently.

I delight in the savourings of my smoked salmon pizza at Airstream, knowing this will cost a bomb in a place like Shanghai. My best friends from work are all there, showing me care and support on my final day with them by taking me out for lunch - about 25 of them. What a party! I feel remiss not to be able to have decent conversation with each of them.

Back at the office, I beaver away again. I am also thinking about my friend's father's funeral. I am comforted knowing my husband was there to represent us. I hope he remembered to give her my card.

3:30pm. My presentation.
Daimon rolls a box of tissues my way across the boardroom table, calling out "Steph, I know you're a sop.... here!" I roll them back to him calling back "I'm leaving.. it's you who should be crying!" and everyone laughs. My principal said the nicest things, even to the point of saying "We look forward to seeing you again when you return". I took it in turn to say my piece, my thoughts... and share my feelings. Most of all, I had people to thank - my principals especially the three I works for in the last 3 years. My team members - each thanked individually by name for specific reasons. I felt the public acknowledgement and affirmation was important.

I carry on with the presentation smoothly, calmly, smiley-ley ... not reaching once for the box of tissues. I had prepared myself earlier in the week, you see. I had thought of all the good memories, of all the people I would miss and saddened my heart earlier to deal with those emotions so the dam would not burst on my last day. It seemed to work! After my speech, my team leader expressed praise and thanks and even said he'd welcome me back with open arms. I am presented with wonderful practical gifts from travel from Kathmandu. I also get cash - can't get more practical than that! I am also given a leather travel diary and matching travel wallet in a yummy lemon hue from Kikki-K.... I am thrilled and express my thanks to everyone's generous contribution in bidding me farewell.

I surrender my blackberry to my IT department and my security pass to my HR department. I surprise myself in not being plagued by any sense of losing security. Yet I am not experiencing the euphoria of freedom either. I am just numb. Numb and exhausted from a day saturated with people, farewells, hugs, kisses, repeating my plans, working and packing.

I did not cry on that last Friday. Yesterday. I was too exhausted to cry. I had to be strong.

But this morning, after a dream riddled night, I awoke abruptly. It was already 11:00 am. Whilst still in bed, the previous day's events re-played in my mind like a movie. The dam finally burst and my pillow is damp with tears.

I am a sop afterall ...